


Unwanted Lessons

by Eastofthemoon



Category: Dragons: Riders of Berk (Cartoon), How to Train Your Dragon (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Family, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-05-11
Packaged: 2018-03-30 01:58:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3918601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eastofthemoon/pseuds/Eastofthemoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With his date with Astrid that night, Hiccup thought nothing could ruin his mood until Stoick decided they needed to have 'a chat'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unwanted Lessons

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wrote this as part of the HTTYD Celebration Week on tumblr and the theme was dating. Once I got this idea into my head, I couldn't resist writing.

Hiccup was grinning ear to ear as he and Toothless returned to their house from their patrol flight. He and Astrid had made plans to go for some flying together that evening, except just them. No twins, Snotlout or Fishlegs. Just them. It wasn't their first time out alone together, but it was different now that he and Astrid became an official couple. The kissing they've been doing was certainly a new, fun change.

Thinking about the plans ahead for the evening, Hiccup hummed to himself as he and Toothless entered. Nothing seemed able to ruin his good mood. "Hey, Dad," Hiccup greeted as he saw his father sitting near the fire. "How was your day?"

Stoick looked lost in thought until he heard Hiccup's voice and glanced up. "Oh, Son, good you're home." He rose from his chair and rubbed his hands together. "We need to have a talk."

Hiccup raised an eyebrow, and Toothless growled softly in confusion. "Um..about what? Is someone complaining about the dragons again?"

"No, no, nothing like that," Stoick replied, hastily. "I just think this is a discussion a father should have with his son."

That put Hiccup on edge. From his past experiences, whenever his father started a conversation like this, it usually resulted in Hiccup wishing to sneak out a window. "And exactly what kind of discussion?"

Stoick sighed as he started to pace. "Hiccup, I am well aware you are no longer a boy, and that you are becoming a man."

"I'm 16, and you only realized this now?" Hiccup replied, dryly.

"And as a man," Stoick stated firmly, "and, especially now that you are Astrid are together, there are certain things you should know."

"Huh?," Hiccup said, now feeling even more confused. Didn't they have this talk years ago? Maybe his father's memory was weakening. "Um, Dad, I've known 'where babies come from' since I was like 8. You and Gobber made it very clear when you took me to see the yaks." Yeah, that was a memory he wouldn't forget until his dying day. He still wasn't sure if it was his dad or Gobber that figured Hiccup needed a visual aid for that.

"Hiccup, I'm well aware of that," Stoick snapped, but took a breath to calm himself, "but now I feel we need to discuss on how a man needs to be…intimate."

"Intimate?" Hiccup asked, still not getting it.

Stoick sighed as he ran a hand through his beard. "I mean there will be a time in which you will want to 'give Astrid pleasure' and you will wish to 'fulfill her needs'."

Hiccup blinked in confusion, but then his brain finally translated what his father was implying. His face paled. "O-oh you mean as in…" He gave a forced laugh as he inched towards the door and gestured for Toothless to do the same. They needed to do a quick getaway. Now! "You know, Dad, I just remembered, I should really fly down to the academy-"

"Sit down!" Stoick commanded as he plucked his son up and forced him to sit in the chair. "We're going to have this talk. No backing out!" 

Hiccup winced and looked to Toothless for assistance, yet all the Night Fury responded with was a soft growl as he curled up by Hiccup's feet for a nap. "Thanks for nothing, you useless reptile," the boy grumbled.

"Hiccup, I don't need to tell you that waiting until your wedding is the tradition," said Stoick as he ignored Hiccup's miserable expression. "However, I'm also not naive into thinking everyone follows that rule, which is why you need to know how to be careful."

"Yes, I know, Dad," Hiccup grumbled as as he leaned back. Did his father seriously didn't think he knew this?"

"Most importantly, you need to be 'careful' with the timing of a woman's cycle," Stoick replied, "and while we're on the subject, there's no guarantee, but there are certain herbs Astrid can take to help prevent her getting pregnant."

"I KNOW, DAD," Hiccup hissed.

Stoick shot him a look that Hiccup knew meant 'Don't interrupt me.' "Well, if you know all about 'that' than we can just talk about foreplay." He cleared his throat. "Now I always found the best way to please your mother-"

"Oh, Gods," Hiccup moaned as he buried his face into his hands, begging for Thor to take pity and strike the house with lightening so he wouldn't have to hear this. However, the Gods clearly prefered to watch Hiccup suffer as he was forced to listen to Stoick's detailed lecture. It was impossible for Hiccup to tune out. He tried once to cover his ears, but Stoick just pulled his hands away and spoke directly into his face.

After what felt like an entirely, the lesson FINALLY came to an end, much to the relief of Hiccup's nerves.

"Do you understand, Son?" Stoick asked.

"Yes, I got it," Hiccup mumbled. "To the point I won't EVER be able to get those images of you and Mom out of my head." It wouldn't shock Hiccup if this was part of Stoick's attempt to ensure Hiccup and Astrid didn't sleep with each other before the wedding. He certainly wouldn't even be able to think of sex, without his parents popping into his brain. If that wasn't a mood killer, nothing was.

"Good," Stoick said as he rubbed his hands. Hiccup waited eagerly for his father's signal that he was free to go, and Hiccup could attempt to find some way to clean his brain out. Instead, to his horror, it suddenly got worse. 

"Now, JUST in case you…well...decide you prefer men, there are few things you should know,” said Stoick as he rubbed his hands. “I will admit, Gobber would be a better candidate to explain this, but let's say you decided to spend a night with Fishlegs-"

"Please," Hiccup whimpered as he looked to Toothless. "Kill me, now. PLEASE."

Despite his mournful cry, Toothless didn't even crack an eye open. Instead, the dragon turned his head away to proceed with his nap, and left Hiccup alone to suffer.

080808080808080808080808080808080808080808080

Hiccup forced himself and Toothless to head over to Astrid’s house. Thanks to his ‘chat’ with his father, he really was in no mood to go on a date with his lady. He really didn’t want to take the risk of kissing Astrid only to have that image of his father and mother popping into his head. The very idea of it made him cringe.

Hiccup just hoped Astrid wouldn’t be too disappointed or worse yet angry. When they reached the house, he found Astrid in the stable with Stormfly. Something was off though. Astrid didn’t turn to him, and instead was mindlessly stroking Stormfly’s back as she grumbled under her breath. “Stupid...honestly, does Mom think I’m an idiot.”

“Um, Astrid?” Hiccup gently called.

Astrid jumped as she whirled around and causing Stormfly to squawk. “Hiccup? You’re here already?”

“Um, it is almost sundown,” Hiccup replied as he leaned against the wall. “That is when you wanted us to meet up, right?”

Astrid glanced up to the sky and sighed. “Yeah, sorry, I lost track of time.” She rubbed her eyes as she shook her head. “I got...distracted.”

Hiccup licked his lips. Yup, something was definitely wrong, or at least had greatly annoyed Astrid. "Everything okay?" Hiccup asked. He glanced around to find her axe. “Do you need to take your anger out on some trees again?”

“No, no, nothing that terrible,” Astrid muttered as she ran a hand through her hair. "Sorry, Hiccup, but can we fly another night?" She shifted uncomfortably, and blushed. "My mother felt the need to give me a 'lecture' and it kind of ruined my mood for the night."

Hiccup froze, now recognizing the expression on Astrid's face matched to what he had been currently feeling for the past few hours. It could have been a coincidence, but… 

"Um…" he said, slowly, unsure if this was forbidden territory he was entering. "Was it perhaps…about…how a man and a woman give each other," he coughed, "pleasure?"

Hiccup knew he hit the nail on the head as her eyes widened, and her arms dropped to her sides. "H-How did you-"

"Because my dad felt the need to give me a similar talk," Hiccup growled. "And I now have images of my dad and mom that I will forever never get out of my brain."

Astrid's jaw dropped, and then shut her eyes as she let out a low moan. “Parents, I swear.”

“Yeah,” Hiccup said as he shivered again at the mental image and wrapped an arm around her. “So, I think it’s safe to say we won’t be ‘practicing’ anything they suggested for awhile?”

“Nope! Nope! Definitely not,” Astrid said as she leaned into him.

Hiccup sighed, and nodded in full agreement.


End file.
